Sharing parenting duties during and after a divorce can prove challenging for many.

Divorce is rarely a smooth process. You have to come to terms with the fact that your marriage has ended, navigate the legal hurdles, and try to reach an agreement with your soon to be ex-spouse. Sharing parenting duties under these circumstances can be quite difficult, especially if we’re talking about a high-conflict divorce with emotions running high on both sides.

Regardless of the pain, your spouse has caused you, try to remember one crucial thing; divorce is a traumatic experience for your kids. Try to set your hard feelings aside and think about what is best for your children.

Here are a few things you can do to successfully co-parent your child during and after a divorce.

Always Think about the Kids

As mentioned before, whatever hard feelings you may have, put them aside and try to make the process as easy for your kids as possible. Don’t push your spouse’s button and make them react negatively. Be civil and try to be respectful of each other.

Work with a Parent Facilitator

The role of a parent facilitator is to help you reach an agreement regarding co-parenting without too much drama. You may consider reaching out to one whenever you feel like you can’t reach a consensus with your ex-spouse. They will help you find a solution that has the kids’ best interest at heart and satisfies both of you.

Be Realistic

Don’t expect your spouse’s behavior to change after the divorce. If they were always breaking their promise, it is likely this habit won’t change. So, don’t work yourself up if that happens and always have a plan B in place.

Learn How to Communicate Effectively

Maybe poor communication skills were one of the reasons that lead to your divorce in the first place. However, try to make an effort and tell your ex-spouse about any changes in advance. Text them or use instant messaging apps if talking with them on the phone feels uncomfortable.

Be Flexible

It’s important to establish a proper visiting schedule with your ex-spouse, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you decide to follow it to the T every time. Allow some flexibility, especially if your kids seem to be ok with the changes. For example, be reasonable when your ex-spouse asks for an extra vacation day or to switch Thanksgiving with Christmas.

Maintain Some Traditions

Although difficult, your purpose should be to maintain a sense of normality for the kids. Divorce can be pretty difficult for them, so keeping certain traditions in place may help them feel secure. If you always had dinner together on Christmas Eve, continue doing so for their sake.

Your spouse may feel like the enemy right now, but it’s not fair for your kids to be caught in your war. Focus on what’s best for them and help them get through this experience with ease.

Have you been struggling with the thought of going through a divorce, while knowing deep down it is inevitable?

Up to 50% of married couple divorce according to some statistics. Missouri had an estimated 3.2 divorce rate in 2015. Nobody likes to think about it, but the truth shows that many couples will, unfortunately, go through the pain and suffering of a divorce.

These pains are often not limited to emotional distress. Divorcing can be a financial burden as well. That is probably why some couples postpone it: the process seems too inconvenient. But is this the best move?

Actually, it’s not.

Why You Shouldn’t Postpone a Divorce

There are a variety of reasons why people choose to postpone their divorce. It can be anything from not being able to admit to family and friends the marriage is over, not hurting the children, or even just hoping their financial situation will improve over time, and the divorce won’t be so draining for the couple.

However, in some cases postponing the divorce can prove even more expensive:

1. Longer Marriage Means More Financial Obligations

If you have to pay spousal support for a divorce, the duration of the marriage can ultimately influence how much you will have to pay, and for how long. If your marriage lasts for decades, Missouri law believes these payments should be permanent.

2. Changes in Finances

Over time, you could accumulate more assets, which means there will be more properties to split during the divorce. These are all factored in when negotiating the divorce settlement, even though the funds or property have nothing to do with the marriage – take for instance, a relative leaving you a house in their will.

3. Reconciliation often Needs Work – and Money

It can be extremely difficult to reconcile with a spouse after you decide to get a divorce. This is not something one chooses lightly, and chances are that when the idea crosses your mind, it’s because you truly need it.

Nevertheless, many couples decide to give it another try, and some even go to therapy to try and work things out. Some successfully do so and get back together. However, some studies also show that 38% of couples who seek marriage therapy end up in divorce, even though they dedicate a lot of effort into their therapy sessions.

4. It Can Drain You Emotionally

Postponing the divorce has a negative impact on your happiness as well. When a relationship isn’t working anymore, it’s always best to act, as the more time goes on, the more frustrated and resentful the two people can be. If there are also children involved, it’s imperative to remain relatively close even after the divorce.

Speak With an Attorney

Have you been struggling with the thought of going through a divorce, while knowing deep down it is inevitable? Speak with an experienced attorney today at (314) 801-8488.

Helping your children cope with their new living environment requires compassion and routine.

Divorce is never easy; emotions can run high and parents need to plan for a new life.  This can include finding a new home, decorating, and furnishing a new house. However, many parents find the hardest part of custody is not in the logistics of a new beginning, but providing a sense of stability for their children.  St. Louis lawyers can provide a myriad of resources at your disposal. Your family law attorney will work closely with counselors and therapists to help children and parents during a divorce.

It is to understand that children can fall into three over-arching stages in relation to divorce; young children (up to age four), older children (from age five to twelve), and teenagers.  The latter two will share many qualities, but all will view the changes around them from the lens of their respective stages of development. It is necessary to approach each with the right technique, to properly help them during this seemingly chaotic and trying period in their lives.

What to Expect

As stated above, each age group will have a different perception of divorce.  Young children are set in their dependency on both parents and are also accustomed their routine.  The loss of routine may result in regression. Previously potty-trained children may wet themselves or their bed, become moody, and lose their sleep schedule.  

Older children can also regress; seeking attention and complaining of stomach aches and other problems that will reinforce a perceived necessity for dependence.  Unfortunately, this partially stems from a sense of fault for the divorce, as well as the loss of routine. It is also common to become emotional when visiting the non-custodial parent.  Their sense of guilt may result in children trying to take on extra responsibilities; they essentially may try to become an adult themselves.

Teens, like older children, may also develop feelings of guilt and blame themselves for the separation.  They too may attempt to replace the non-custodial parent and seek to be more “adult-like.” Teens also tend to be vocal about whom they wish to live with, having a stronger sense of connection with one parent over the other.  To further their anxiety, they may worry about losing touch with friends, due to changing weekend schedules and living arrangements. Finally, a teenage child may also find one of their parents at fault for the divorce.

How to Help Your Children

Helping your children cope with their new living environment requires compassion and routine.  For younger children that means keeping meals and bedtime as regular as possible. It also means asking questions like, “Do you miss mom/dad?”  Finally, outline their new environment; explain that even though you’re not living together, that both parents still love them.

For older children it is often a good idea to sit down as a family about two weeks ahead of the separation.  Use this time to explain not just the changes, but what will stay the same. This can be the school they attend, opportunities to spend time with friends, and even visitation with parents.  Knowing what to expect will help them cope with what is to come. It is also important to give your children a chance to voice any questions they may have. Perhaps of equal importance, stress that the upcoming separation is not the child’s fault.  

Teenagers tend to be a bit more difficult at times, as any parent with teenagers is aware.  Like their younger counterparts, sit down a week or two ahead of time and discuss the upcoming separation.  Teenagers, however, are often more independent and have a better understanding of divorce. As such, they may not require the same amount explanation as preteens.  It is important to actively ask them questions to open conversations. When they ask a question, give a clear and simple response. It is also important to keep private from them the gritty details of what lead to the divorce, such as extramarital relations.  Be open about how you, the parent, are feeling. Finally, consider explaining what you are doing to self-heal.

While a marriage may come to an end, parents’ love and concern for their children should stay strong through this process.  Every good parent feels a sense of worry about the new life their children are entering. This is normal and healthy. What is important is to work as a team to ensure both parents know what their children need, and how to guide them towards stability once again.  Through counseling and an understanding of how children react to the stresses of divorce, parents can help children cope with what is to come.

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References

L.C.S.W., Robert Taibbi. 2013. Psychology Today. June 28. Accessed October 12, 2018. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201306/children-divorce-helping-and-healing